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This article is in response to some questions from several readers who want to know: Is it possible to be traumatized by abusive-relationships?What are the signs of have been traumatized by abusive-relationships?Are there any self-help guides for those traumatized by abusive-relationships?What treatment options are available for those traumatized by abusive-relationships? Thank you for writing in, and here's the article written specifically with you in mind: Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships: Signs, Self-Help & Treatment Options. As a bonus, I'm also adding what treatments to avoid for those traumatized by abusive-relationships, which I think is just as important. Enjoy. Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships: Signs #1 to 10 Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Sign #1: Intrusive Memories and Thoughts Intrusive memories and intrusive thoughts are when you feel can't help but keep thinking about or obsessing about something. So if you find yourself unable to get that abusive-relationships out of your mind, especially if you keep finding yourself revisiting the traumatic details, then you are experiencing intrusive memories and thoughts. This is one of the biggest sign that you might be traumatized by abusive-relationships. Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Sign #2: Reliving Abusive-Relationships in Flashbacks or Nightmares Reliving abusive-relationships is a more severe form of intrusive memories and thoughts of abusive-relationships. Instead of knowing that the thoughts are just that: thoughts and memories, these thoughts and memories are so vivid and the physical and emotional feelings are so intense that you can hardly tell the difference between what are thoughts and memories, and what are reality. When reality, thoughts and memories get merged into one and the same experience, then you are reliving the abusive-relationships. If it happens during sleep, we call it nightmares. For attacks when you are awake, we call it flashbacks. There really isn't much difference between the two. If you are reliving abusive-relationships in Flashbacks or Nightmares, then take it very seriously. It is almost a fool-proof sign that you will need to address some issues before you can move on in life. Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Sign #3: Unexplained Panic Attacks Experiencing unexplained panic attacks as if something really bad is about to happen is another obvious signs of being traumatized by abusive-relationships. However, this could also be a sign of silent heart attack, or some kind of phobia or social anxiety etc. As it is not exclusive to being traumatized by abusive-relationships alone, one has to be careful as to how to interpret this sign. As a general rule of thumb, if you noticed new panic attack patterns when you are meeting new people or have to somehow trust others, or the like, it could well be a sign that you are traumatized by abusive-relationships. To be crystal clear whether this is part of being traumatized by abusive-relationships, ask yourself: "Could this unexplained panic attack be my brain's way of protecting me from getting into new relationships or friendship that could potentially lead to another traumatic experience"? If the answer is yes, then this is a clear sign that you are traumatized by abusive-relationships. Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Sign #4: Unexplained Fear of Abandonment Another way of saying unexplained fear of abandonment is extreme clinginess. If you notice that you are extremely clingy to an abusive-relationships, or intensely frightened that the relationships would end despite it being very abusive, or feeling unjustifiably guilty about ending the abusive-relationships, then this could be a sign that you are traumatized by abusive-relationships. Although "unexplained fear of abandonment" doesn't sound like a trauma-related issue, it is actually evidence of trauma-induced damaged self-esteem and self-worth, to the point that you'd give up anything just to preserve the relationships. So, "unexplained fear of abandonment" is another clear sign that you are traumatized by abusive-relationships. Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Sign #5: Extreme Fear of Developing New Relationships No one wants to be alone, that's for sure. But in the process of walking away from an abusive-relationships, you naturally leave yourself with a void that was once occupied by this abusive-relationships. The normal thing to do is to build new friendships or strengthen existing relationships. However, if you find yourself absolutely terrified of building new friendships, or struggling to trust that anyone can treat you kindly and support you through this difficult times, then you are more than likely traumatized by abusive-relationships. You see? That's all part of how an abusive-relationships make you feel: that you are nothing, worthless and it's all your fault. This feeling is only intensified when you try to develop new relationships. So,that extreme fear of developing new relationships is another clear warning sign that you are traumatized by abusive-relationships. Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Sign #6: Disturbed Sleeping and Eating Patterns Disturbed sleeping and eating patterns is fairly self-explanatory. If you are having intrusive thoughts and memories, flashbacks and nightmares, unexplained panic attacks, fear of abandonment, and fear of developing new relationships, it is only natural that you are not going to eat or sleep well. And guess what, this then takes you down a vicious cycle where you become physically weak, which then affects your logical reasoning abilities, which then makes you more prone to the first five signs discussed above,which then makes you even weaker physically and the cycle just goes on and on. If you are experiencing 2 out of the first 5 signs discussed above, and having disturbed sleeping and eating patterns, you can safely conclude that you are indeed traumatized by abusive-relationships and you should definitely take this conclusion seriously. Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Sign #7: Lack of Independent Self-Esteem Lack of self-esteem can be a result of many things, but if you are not able to maintain a measure of self-esteem without taking that abusive-relationships into account, then watch out. Self-esteem is entirely about you, and how you view yourself. If you are measuring your self-worth according to how well you are managing the abusive-relationships, then you are in the process of being traumatized by abusive-relationships. I'm saying in the process of here, because the impact of the trauma isn't quite complete just yet, but serious enough to pay attention and stop it from getting worse. As you can see from the above description, being traumatized by abusive-relationships isn't fun, and it can take a long time to recover and rebuild a healthy self-image. So if you are finding it difficult to gauge your self-esteem independent of the abusive-relationships, take note. Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Sign #8: Difficulties in Confiding With Others Now, I am not suggesting that you should confide in anybody and anybody. But hey, all friendships start in exactly the same way in the whole world: We give a stranger a small measure of trust and depending on how it goes, we may confer more or less trust. Every relationships in the whole world developed like this. But if you find yourself terrified of giving out even the smallest amount of trust for fear that you will be hurt, or you can't confide with even your very best friends whom you used to trust, take note. This is possibly a sign that you are in the process of being traumatized by abusive-relationships. Remember that self-esteem thing we talked about? Well, this is it! Your self-esteem is so low and so damaged that you can no longer trust yourself to make the right decisions about trusting another human. If you are feeling this way,it is quite likely that you are well along the process of being traumatized by abusive-relationships. Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Sign #9: Intense Feeling of Being Responsible For the Poor Relationships But Unable to Provide Logical Justification You've probably heard this one before. Feeling like you are to blame is possibly the most well-known sign of being traumatized by abusive-relationships. However, you might be surprised to know that this is nowhere near the fool-proof sign. So just be aware of this. When relationships don't work out in the long run, there are only very few emotions attach to the parting parties, namely: a callous "I-couldn't-care-less" attitude, or a cold unfeeling "I-can't-see-it-working, so-there" attitude, or a sour-grape "I-don't-need-you-anyway" attitude, or an apologetic "If-only-I-could-do-better" attitude. Granted, this is not a full list of responses, but I'm sure you'd agree the number of responses are fairly limited. So, don't be gullible. Just because you feel bad about a relationships falling apart, it does not automatically mean you are traumatized by abusive-relationships. If you have other signs common to those traumatized by abusive-relationships, then fine. This is certainly another tale-tale sign. But please just be careful how you interpret this one. Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Sign #10: Unable to Focus and Impaired Daily Functioning Activities Like the previous sign, you cannot interpret this sign on its own. There are simply far too many medical, physical, emotional and circumstantial causes to even discuss this as a sign for anything. Even so, this sign is a very good benchmark to gauge the extent to which you are traumatized by abusive-relationships if you are experiencing other signs, especially the first few signs discussed. Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships: Self-Help Tips #1 to 10 Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Self-Help Tips #1: Recognize The Trauma As It Is Recognizing the trauma as it is is probably the most difficult and yet the most important one to do. If needed, ask a trusted friend to go through the 10 signs listed above and get a second opinion on the matter. It can be a shock to realize what has just happened to you, and to recognize that you have been traumatized by abusive-relationships. That said, once you recognize it, you can then move on. On the other hand, if you refuse to acknowledge just how badly you've been hurt, recovery is going to be really tough. Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Self-Help Tips #2: Recognize The Abuse As It Is Recognizing the trauma is not the same as recognizing the abuse. Recognizing the trauma is about the impact that the abusive-relationships are having on you, and how they have hurt you. By contrast, recognizing the abuse is about putting the blame where it belongs. It means establishing, and maintaining a firm belief that the relationships were abusive, and that it was not your fault. Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Self-Help Tips #3: Love Yourself Enough To Live a Healthy Life Style If you were physically hurt, say in a car accident, what would you do to help yourself recover? Emotional scars are no different. You will need plenty of sleep, a good dose of physical activities, and a good balanced diet. When you have been deprived of tender loving care for so long during the abusive-relationships, it can be hard to feel okay about taking care of yourself. But remember this, self-care is not selfish. The truth is, it is just wrong to think that someone else's preferences are more important than your needs. Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Self-Help Tips #4: Give Yourself Time and Space Going back to the car accident example, if you sustained a serious injury,you wouldn't expect to be well overnight, would you? So in the same way, emotional injuries won't heal overnight. What you will be looking for are signs of progress. The key action to be taken is to ensure that you are not using excessive amount of work or activities to push thoughts and memories aside. Your brain needs that time and space to process what has happened, file them somewhere in your history compartment and then signal to you when it is ready to get back to normal life. All these things take time. If you sweep it all under the carpet, you'll only find yourself sweeping one thing after another under the carpet until one day your carpet is no longer big enough, and suddenly you have hundreds of traumas to deal with. Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Self-Help Tips #5: Recognize & Challenge The Traumatized Self Earlier, when discussing the 10 signs of being traumatized by abusive-relationships, we looked at self-esteem, trusts and building new relationships. While it can be frightening to trust anyone ever again, slowly building up a support network, and opening up to a close circle of friends will be a great help to you. Going through this article together will help your supporters understand how trauma affects you, and to remind you that certain feelings could just be your brain being overly protective of you. Recognizing that and challenging the traumatized-self is the crux of the whole recovery process. Is the traumatized you going to dominate your life? Or is the new you going to win? Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Self-Help Tips #6: Use Your 5 Senses To Calm Your Nerves Of course it is nerve-wrecking to do things differently. After all, abusive-relationships are emotional battle grounds, nothing short of a war-zone terror. So then, what are we to do with those nervous feelings? Here's a simple formula for you. Just sit down somewhere quiet, and make yourself comfortable. Look around you, and name 5 things that you can see; 4 things that you can feel with your hands; 3 things that you can hear; 2 things that you can smell; and 1 thing that you can taste. Don't worry if you can't remember the order of things, the idea is just to distract you from intense fear, and help you to focus on your surroundings. This method works incredibly well, because the brain is like a high-speed train. Once it's started, it stays on track until it gets to its destination.So if your brain is firing off all these anxieties, the best thing to do is to derail those train of thoughts. This 5-senses exercise does just that. Experts say, you can then go back to your normal activities. But in my experience, most people actually feel pretty wiped out straight afterwards. So, be kind to yourself, and just take it easy. Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Self-Help Tips #7: Participate In Mind-Absorbing Activities Now, this might sound like I'm contradicting myself, but it is not. To start with, the battle of challenging your traumatized self will be so tiring that there is no way you can manage that throughout your waking hours. The common pitfall is then to sleep it off. But that's no good for you. You need a healthy lifestyle, and sleeping through the day is certainly not a healthy choice. So, the solution is to schedule in 'some' activities that is totally absorbing to break up the long day. Effectively, you re trying to rely on these mind-absorbing activities to recharge your energy instead of day-time sleep. A secondary benefit is that it gives you some structure for the day or week, and regardless of how difficult things may be, you have something to look forward to. So, give it a try. Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Self-Help Tips #8: Set Aside a Grieving Time For What You Have Lost It might sound strange to use the word grief in here. But the reality is, some of that difficult emotions that you are experiencing is grief. It is grieving over what you have lost, such as: time that you could have enjoyed with someone who truly loves you, the dream that you thought you had with someone special, the health and emotional stability that you once has and so on. The realization that things will never be the same as you have dreamed or hoped for is traumatic. So, a time to grief is appropriate. Of course, you would not want to spend all your days and nights grieving. Overdoing it can make you even more depressed. The key here is to be balanced. Set aside a time when you can complete let loose those powerful emotions. 2-3 hours at a time is the norm. To begin with, give yourself an hour every day to get things off your chest. Whether you confide with a close friend, say a prayer, or write things down in a journal or other ways of relieving that pressure. Then give yourself a further hour to just sit quietly or go out for a walk. A little snooze is also ok. For the next hour, work towards getting back into daily routine and catering some of your daily responsibilities. You may need a lot longer to start with, but the three hours timeline should gradually reduce to 1-2 hours, and 2-3 days a week instead of everyday. Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Self-Help Tips #9: Make Yourself A Happiness Board Of all the tips we have so far, making a happiness board is probably the most time-consuming and yet fun activity to do. All you need is a board, colored pens, and way you go. Usually a pin board works very well. If not, you can get some card boards from your local store for free and then add a layer of wrapping paper, then you have a beautiful board to work with. Make it a practice to add notes to this board about things that make you happy. On my board, I have names of people I could trust and what they have done to prove themselves trustworthy. In my lowest point, it is hard to remember these things. So having a board is useful. There are also things I have to watch out for too. For example, not getting up at the right time, skipping meals etc really affect my moods. Over time, you'll end up with a board that tells you exactly what triggers you good and bad moods. Then, you can make informed decisions about how to rebuild your life. Remember we discussed challenging the traumatized-self? Well, it is hard work to do that in the first place. So why keep reinventing the wheel when those emotions come up? Once you've discovered a good convincing reason to counteract a particular thought, add them to the board. That way, every time you realize you are feeling rubbish, the board would remind you how to challenge that thought, and you'll get back on your feet in no time! Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Self-Help Tips #10: Set Yourself Some Challenges, and Give Yourself a Treat Ha! This is not about you climbing mount Everest. But hey, the challenges that you are facing is just as difficult really. So, yes, set yourself small goals. Look at the 9 tips discussed, and see how effective they are for you. You could also measure your progress by how well you have mastered those techniques to help yourself. After that, you could look at how much you are dependent on these techniques, or how well you cope without. One word of caution though, some techniques may be required for life. This is by no means a bad sign. It is just something that your mind and body requires for its maintenance, much like physical food and water for our physical body. So don't think of these as dependency or scarred for life. Instead, you have come out stronger and wiser, knowing exactly how to take good care of yourself and without feeling guilty about it. Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships: Treatment Options #1 to 5 Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Treatment Options #1: Humanistic-Gestalt Counselling Humanistic-Gestalt Counselling is a specialist therapy where you can explore how and why you relate with others in a certain way. By helping you to become more aware of your thoughts, feelings, emotions and your interactions with others, you can develop new ways of looking at things, and it can empower you to take control of your life. This kind of therapy gives you a safe and supportive environment, and is therefore particularly helpful for those traumatized by abusive-relationships. Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Treatment Options #2: Compassion-Focused Therapy Compassion-focused therapy is exactly what it says on the tin. It's goal is to help you to develop your self-esteem, self-worth and self-compassion so that you can go on to live a happy life. The latter stage of compassion-focused therapy has some overlap with humanistic-gestalt counselling in that it turns the attention to developing compassion for others as well as self. It is especially helpful for those traumatized by abusive-relationships because it deals with our fight or fright response, self-esteem and the anxieties associated with an overly-protective brain. Since compassion is a fundamental part of well-being, learning how to regain the ability to be compassionate both to yourself and to others can bring a great deal of satisfaction, contentment and happiness. Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Treatment Options #3: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Remember we discussed challenging the traumatized-self? Well, if you find that difficult, then Cognitive behavioral therapy is likely the right therapy for you. The whole idea behind this therapy is that our behaviors are heavily influenced by how we feel. And how we feel depends also on how we think. So, if the therapy could help you challenge negative believes about yourself or the abusive-relationships, then it follows that you will think more positively, feeling happier and therefore do the kind of things that helps build healthy relationships. Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Treatment Options #4: Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Dialectical behavior therapy is probably the most complicated but holistic of all the treatment options discussed so far. It typically comes in four parts: mindfulness (learning to deal with the current situation), distress tolerance (learning to cope with powerful emotions), emotion regulation (learning to calm the nerves) and interpersonal effectiveness (learning to minimize the amount of interpersonal conflicts in your life). This is especially helpful for those also on the autism spectrum. Since I am an Aspie (or have Aspergers), I have found this therapy incredibly helpful. Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Treatment Options #5: Domestic Violence or Abuse Support Technically, this is a support service rather than a treatment per se. Nonetheless, whether it is individual support or in the form a group, you will find many like minded people, going through the same thing and that alone will give you a great deal of comfort. Furthermore, you will find someone who truly understands and who can share their recovery experience/ journey with you. As you begin to recover, you will also have plenty of others to care for and help them through those dark moments too. So, as far as building a support network goes, there's no better place than these support services. This is the place where you can talk and express yourself freely, knowing full well that no one is going to judge you. Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships: Treatment To Avoid #1 to 5 Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Treatment To Avoid #1: Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR) Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) is the latest bandwagon in the psychotherapy world. However, there is still a lot of controversies associated with EMDR. For example, some professionals are adamant that EMDR is the best therapy for traumatized individuals, while other professionals claim that it only works with one-off traumatic event such as a care accident, or being a disaster survivor. Some even warn against its use for those traumatized by abusive-relationships, or childhood abuse, or any traumas that took place over a period of time. Personally, I had a therapist who was pushing EMDR down my throat and threatened to kick me out of the service if I don't comply. I did raise a few questions, but eventually succumbed to the pressure. I did get some benefit from it, but there were a lot of horrible side-effects too. So, I'm not at all keen to recommend this therapy to those traumatized by abusive-relationships. That said, I have to be honest that as well as the hype, I do know some who have greatly benefited from this treatment. So, this one is a bit of a mixed bag. Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Treatment To Avoid #2: Exposure Therapy Exposure therapy is exactly what it sounds like. It basically puts you n an environment where you gradually expose yourself to the same trauma again and again until you feel somewhat numb. The theory is that a traumatized-brain would always be hypersensitive to potential retraumatization, so it behaves in a hyperactive manner. By exposing your brain to the same trauma again and again, your brain will eventually learn that you are alright after all. To be honest, this works well with many kinds of phobia and one-off trauma, but for those traumatized by abusive-relationships, well... I have my own reservations. Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Treatment To Avoid #3: Trauma-Focused Therapy Right, this is an umbrella term. While you may recognize the trauma in yourself due to abusive-relationships, this is not to be confused with the kind of traumas that a "Trauma-Focused therapy" is supposed to deal with. When they say trauma, they often mean full-blown post-traumatic stress disorder, and are very much for military personnel or disasters survivors. It can sometimes extend to include those who work in the police force, fire station etc who may suffer similar symptoms after witnessing large scale horrific death scenes. This is not to say your trauma is less important or significant, but because the nature of how the trauma occurs are so different, there's no real benefit for you here. What's more, having been in the military world myself, I know the arrogance of some fellow servicemen. Sitting in the same therapy waiting room with these guys is probably the last thing you would want. They may be look like big bullies to you. Their masculine outlook could knock your sense of security and safety. They may even put your trauma down as insignificant when compared to their trauma. So, stay clear from that kind of environment. Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Treatment To Avoid #4: Family Clinic This type of treatment is best for couples who basically love each other, and are trying to work through difficult issues. But if abuse is involved, having therapy together may put the traumatized party in greater danger and the therapist himself may also be in danger if physical violence is involved. Family clinic is best suited for couples where both parties are willing to accept their part of the problem and are committed to making the needed changes once they have understood how and why the problem occurs. By contrast, the abusive party may become aggressive during the session, or hide their anger but lash out at home. Either way, the abuse is more than likely to get worse instead of getting better. So stay clear. Traumatized By Abusive-Relationships Treatment To Avoid #5: Psychoanalytic or Psychodynamic Therapy Psychoanalytic or psychodynamic therapy is targeted at those with serious psychological dysfunction and if you have read this far, chances are that's not you. It is however worthy of mentioning, because it is a very powerful therapy that deals with a lot of the in-depth stuff in your psychology. However, a truly skillful therapist for this long-term in-depth work is hard to find, and too often I see it being offered as a means to secure long-term work for personal profit. That is not to say it's a bad form of therapy, I just feel you will be much better off sticking close to the type of therapies that targets your symptoms rather than something so generic and fluffy like psychoanalytic or psychodynamic therapy.

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